How to lead when no one’s saying what they really think
Silence in a meeting room isn’t always agreement. Sometimes, it’s hesitation. Sometimes, it’s fear. I’ve worked with teams where everyone smiled and nodded, but decisions died quietly in execution. What looked like alignment was really avoidance. In this piece, I share what I’ve learned about leading through unspoken resistance and how to surface the truth before it becomes a problem you can’t solve.
One of the first real lessons I learned about leadership didn’t come from a report or a model. It came from a moment in a room full of silence.
We were facilitating a strategy session with the regional leadership of a retail company that had just gone through a major reorganization. The new CEO had ambitious plans: revamped product lines, centralized logistics, a fresh approach to marketing. On the surface, everyone agreed. Heads nodded. PowerPoints slid by. Questions were asked and politely answered.
But something felt off. There was a kind of stiffness in the room. Smiles that didn’t quite reach the eyes. A lack of follow-up questions that, in healthy teams, usually signals curiosity and challenge.
After the session, I sat down with one of the VPs over coffee. She looked tired. “It’s a good plan,” she said, “but no one’s going to fight for it.”
That was the real issue. Not disagreement. Disengagement. And it had been hiding in plain sight.
The danger of polite silence
There’s a particular kind of risk in high-performing teams. People know how to act aligned. They’re polite, professional, and experienced enough to know that pushing back can be politically costly or emotionally draining. So they opt out quietly.
But as a leader, if all you hear is agreement, you’re probably missing something.
I’ve worked with teams where strategy failed not because it was wrong, but because it never sparked real commitment. The signs were subtle:
- No one brought it up in unrelated meetings
- Execution deadlines slipped, but no one escalated
- Feedback was surface-level and rehearsed
In one project with a financial services client, the leadership team kept approving changes in principle but avoided making any trade-offs in practice. We kept circling the same decisions. What they didn’t say was, “We don’t trust the new CFO’s vision yet.” Until that was named, nothing really moved.
Why people don’t speak up
In my experience, people stay silent for a few predictable reasons:
- Fear of consequences
They wonder, “What if I say something that gets held against me?” In some cultures, challenging a senior leader feels risky. - Meeting fatigue
After too many input sessions that never lead to change, people shut down. They assume their real opinions don’t matter. - Misread social cues
If everyone else looks like they’re on board, it takes real courage to be the outlier. - Unclear expectations
Some leaders ask for feedback but only reward agreement. People learn what is truly welcome, regardless of what is said.
How I help leaders draw out the truth
When I suspect a team isn’t saying what they really think, here’s what I’ve learned to do:
1. Use anonymity early and often
Before the workshop even begins, I ask participants to fill out a short, anonymous form:
What are you excited about? What concerns you? What are people saying privately that we’re not naming publicly?
The answers are often blunt, sometimes raw, and always useful.
2. Create the second meeting space
After big group sessions, I follow up in one-on-ones or small groups. That’s where the real truth surfaces. I ask:
- What would you say if this weren’t being recorded?
- If you were CEO for a day, what would you change?
People share more when they’re not performing.
3. Model the discomfort
Sometimes, I surface a tension myself. I’ll say something like, “I get the sense that not everyone in the room is aligned. That’s okay. Can we explore it?”
Naming discomfort gives others permission to do the same.
4. Invite the honest outlier
There’s usually one person in the room who is willing to speak up, if given space. When leaders respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness, that one voice opens the door for more honesty.
When the leader is the reason no one speaks up
This is delicate but necessary.
In some cases, the silence comes from the top. I’ve seen leaders who dominate meetings without realizing it. Or who react defensively to feedback. Or who pride themselves on decisiveness and unintentionally shut down dissent.
At one client organization, a smart and charismatic COO couldn’t understand why his team held back. In an earlier meeting, he had snapped at a manager in front of others. It lasted 30 seconds, but the memory stuck.
We coached him to change the dynamic. He started asking open questions, listening with curiosity, and following up after tense moments. Slowly, people began to speak more freely.
The deeper opportunity: building a culture of truth
Creating a space where people speak honestly takes time. It’s not about one workshop or one leader. It’s about habits and signals that say, “Your voice matters here.”
Small things help:
- Leaders admit when they’re wrong
- People see their feedback lead to action
- Meetings include space for disagreement and naming elephants in the room
- Disagreements are followed by respect, not punishment
Over time, that builds a norm. People stop performing and start participating.
Takeaway
If everyone in the room is nodding, it doesn’t mean they agree. It might mean they’re tired. Or afraid. Or simply not convinced.
Leading through silence means learning to listen beneath the words. It means asking again, and being open to answers you may not like. The best leaders don’t just invite truth. They make it safe to speak.